Casile Naomi

okay. so i wish i could say i don't care, but i can't, i always seem to care. about anything really. i'm not talking about anything in particular, well, i guess i have a few things in mind but really, just generally, i care. i do. it's that whole saying, whether it's a blessing or a curse. sometimes it's both. sometimes it's one over the other. sometimes it feels like one over the other even when i know it's the other. very confusing stuff. but yeah. i care. it's who i am. so, so be it. i'm easily hurt. i'm fragile. but it's because when i love i love fully, but i don't love easily. i'm complex. woah.

Do we like him? Yeah, we like him.

Wow. It feels great to be home. I feel, of my own. If that makes sense Everything feels like it's falling into place. I feel cleansed. I feel fresh. I feel like I'm finally starting over. Feels like maybe all the pieces of my heart are finally picked up. And now I'm putting myself back together. I am taking deep breaths. I feel calm. I feel free. I feel at one. 

My Missing- Xavier Rudd

I love these people. They are true friends. I don't want to have to say goodbye for so long. Going home is great, but I'm leaving a home every time I say goodbye to the other. Constantly saying goodbye.. weird.

Finished all my midterms. AWH YEA Got a B+ on 2 philo. midterms Got my midterm read to the class as an example Passed my psych midterm DONE UNTIL AFTER READING WEEK It's +5 today, so nice. Played in the snow. Bought a pack of smokes (bad I know) and a bottle of my favorite wine There's sweet potato fries at dinner TODAY IS AN ACTUALLY FUCKIN AWESOME DAY. THANK YOU!

I feel really good today. It's still cold out but it's so sunny, it feels like spring in a weird sort of way.  I'm feeling more myself today than ever I think, I think that's why I'm so calm. I just finished writing my Plato's Republic midterm, so easy. I think I did really well and I got a B on my last one so I'm feeling pretty confident. Dad had a dream about Tom last night, said they were chatting and Tom was worried about me for some reason. Dad said it made him miss him, and that he loved Tom. Let's face it, we all loved Tom. He said we still do. I agreed. I will always have so much love for that boy, and that is okay. Because I'm not one to hold grudges, and I hope eventually, Tom will allow me to be in his life again, as a friend, that is. I tried reaching out to him today with a message saying hey, but he didn't respond. That's fine. He moves at his own speed. Liz and I are rooming together next year, we have a meeting tonight to pick...

I've been smoking more than usual lately...

It's occurred to me, that I will never know WHY .

BE YOUR OWN VALENTINE, FREE YOUR HEART.

It's been forever since I've written it seems. I have a black eye. That was fun. I'll explain later when I'm not super over tired. Water settles on the pavement Putting out the ashes Of what once was alive and eventually washing it away Sometimes I catch myself just hoping That maybe they might stay To help remind me Of what once was alive we're deprived Happiness settles on the sad Pushing out the doubt It starts to feel real, pretending to be truth And eventually convincing me Somtimes I catch myself wishing there were proof Catch myself thinking it's possible i'll forget What it's like To feel full again What it's like to not feel the regret

Liz and I just went to Pickles. It was AWESOME. I'm in such a great mood.  Rearranged my room tonight. Put new pictures up. I love change in that sense... when I control it I guess it's actually enjoyable haha.  Pickles was awesome. There were bands playing and it was packed. Just this little sandwich bar. The owner was there again. He gave us another free sandwich cause he loves Liz and I apparently. He is awesome. He treats us like his children. It felt so communal, there were so many awesome people there that I've run into but never gotten to hang out with. Liz and I bought the CD. We were outside having a smoke and dancing around and eating and laughing and just, yeah. It was so good. Felt so nice.  In the lounge right now with Liz just listening to music and watching videos. Things feel great again.

I listened to this song for the first time in so long today. He used to play it all the time. Funny how a song or a smell or whatever can bring back memories. I remember listening to it all the time with him. Funny, looking at the lyrics now and how relevant they actually are. Ps: It was civil. I miss people. I couldn't say it. But I do. It's not wrong. I shouldn't feel guilty. I need to keep healing. It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe It don’t matter, anyhow An’ it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe If you don’t know by now When your rooster crows at the break of dawn Look out your window and I’ll be gone You’re the reason I’m trav’lin’ on Don’t think twice, it’s all right It ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe That light I never knowed An’ it ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe I’m on the dark side of the road Still I wish there was somethin’ you would do or say To try and make me change my mind and stay We never did too much talkin’ anywa...

This is what my dad said he'd be doing if I were home today- for his blog click here I had a mental breakdown today. It was awful. I stayed up until around 2 studying for Psych. It wasn't bad at all. I think I did well. I think I passed. But for some reason after I wrote it I was all jittery. I couldn't stop my heart from racing, or feeling anxious, and nervous and all worked up. I just wanted to cry. And I did. I went to meal hall and tried to eat and only had yogurt. I feel like no one wants me around sometimes. I don't know. Everyone deals with stress in their own ways but lately I've been feeling really... I'm not sure. Alone? I feel kinda secluded. If that makes sense. I guess it's normal... Bleh. I came back to res. and just started heaving, and crying, and balling my eyes out basically. Sometimes life feels just impossible. It literally felt like I was drowning. I called my parents. They helped, a lot. My family is the best. My family is awesome. ...

It's 12:11am and I'm still not done studying Psych. Let alone haven't started studying for Philo on Thursday. Anne-Marie and I are listening to this on my itunes for a little encouragement. Gotta Get Thru This- Daniel Bettingfield Yeah it's now 1:35 Break #2- listening to The White Stripes- We're Going To Be Friends

This always happens. I'm sorry things have been awkward. I've been awkward. I'm creating turmoil I think, in my life that is. With my friendships and relationships in general. I don't like things like this. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's them. Who knows. Why does this always happen.

I wish I were this talented. And Awesome.

I know it's a stupid idea. But I'm going to see if I can fit into my prom dress. I already know the answer... but I'm going to be stubborn and try anyway. I'll let you know how it goes.

You know you're getting fucking fat when your damn sweat pants don't even fit you anymore... fml .  What a day. I'm going to stop complaining now.