Casile Naomi

Wants to be lonely But can't fly alone Running away But keeps heading home Asks for the water But breathes in the dirt Wants to feel free So that's what she'll divert Wants to feel warmth But hides from the day Ask her to leave Then she'll beg you to stay Says she wants love But won't show you her heart Fights to the end Then crawls back to the start So maybe there's a ghost inside of me Making the wrong choices- try to change my mind I've always said that nothing's as it seems Baby it's time you know this part of me Maybe there's a ghost inside of me Wants to be stronger But backs down out of fear Wants to see beauty But won't look in the mirror Wants to let go But won't loosen the grip Eats all your thoughts Till the words make her sick I don't want to fight it anymore No more yellow lights Esprit de corps So maybe there's a ghost inside of me Making the wrong choices- try to change my mind ...

omg i love my new friends

i'm sitting here smiling like an idiot. it's kinda a jump from my last post. my parents are working on things. things were going up and down so i some what cut of communication until they were on solid ground with what was going on. it was hard to do, cause they are my friends and i like being there for them. but i had to be selfish and protect my heart from all that was going on. they're doing well no, working on things, living together etc. i'm happy. i'm so happy with my life. even in the midst of all that was going on at home (which is now improved) i love my life. this might sound dorky, but, do you ever see this group of people that you are aquaintances with but never hung out with and wish you could get to know them? yah that sounds dumb. but throughout the last 2 weeks i have made the most memories and best friends here than i did in all the other year and a half here. i have great friends now, a social circle to feel comfortable in. i'm so happy ...

I hate sounding so morbid but fuck it. That's just who and how I am right now. I dunno if this makes sense to anyone else. But sometimes I'm so sad and fragile that I'm scared if I get in the shower I'll start crying and never stop.

i feel like this really fucked up person sometimes.

The bible didn't rescue us Maybe If I had a little more time A little more time Sometimes I wonder If it's what I dreamt about Falling out and flooding in No one was around I begged for you you answered me But all you said was no We were different Now divisions all I have to show A little more time I need a little more time

I keep hoping I'll get a call that everything is fixed, everything's better. That's not going to happen. Even if they somehow work things out, is there any coming back from this? It doesn't feel like it will ever be the same. My family is my life... what am I supposed to do if my family gets ruined and falls apart. I hate to say it, but if this sticks.. I feel like I'd avoid both of them at all costs. I would always feel guilty being with only one of them at any given time. I wish I could run away. Why is this even happening. Yeah, "it's normal" and "it happens all the time". But not to us. We were different.

Today, I feel like I could disappear and no one would notice, or care.

she moved out

My heart breaks at the thought of my family not being a family any more. It's frustrating. I know how much they love each other. I see it. I can feel it. They just... got lost somewhere along the way. It's like they accidentally went it two separate directions and can't figure out how to get back to one another. I realize now that it's something I have no control over. It's hard though. I feel like I have to be there to mediate, and help them, cause I do seem to help when I'm there. It hurts... No one even knows. Onlyyy me. Ohhh my heart aches. They are both so sad. And so hurt. And just, gah. It's impossible to explain how much my family means to me. We are friends, we are the closest of friends. We're a family dammit. If that ever changed I don't know what I would do with myself. That may sound melodramatic. Parents split up all the time, and I'm older now. But we're too close for that to happen. I don't know what I believe in. ...

In brighter news I'm going to see Mike and les boies for reading week <3 so excited. 5 weeks... GARF

Do you ever get this overwhelming feeling of sudden sadness? I do. It scares me.