Casile Naomi

It races and boils. Boils and races. Absent people. Absent places. Absent faces. Trying to fill in. The deep, dark, empty. The golden key, became the enemy. Patterns, repeat, delete. Shut down, internalize. Don't move. Just sleep. Freeze me over. Freeze me out. Fill the head. Breathe self-doubt. Shallow, deep. Needing more but sinking. Voice. Whispers. What were you thinking. The clear is far. The red i'll drink. If I fail. I'll fail, I'm on the brink. Speed it up. Slow down. Just stop. I wanted this. But my heart forgot. The pain of pulling. The ache of goodbyes. Now every single, minuscule, subsection, compartment, hole, crevasse, cries. For something. Else. Bigger? Better? You? Nothing.

Sitting in this new kind of silence. The air throbbing around me. I was addicted to the tension, to the familiar absence of you- your resentment and your hurt. You were a room away- a wall away, then again you always were. This silence doesn’t know me. Not like that one. My breath feels like it has no home. I forget how to breathe at times. So much more space to move, but still paralyzed. I exist outside of you? How am I ok. Am I ok? Are you ok? I realize I’ll never know, I never knew before. Scared of my own emotion. Filling the day with unfamiliar music, unfamiliar routines, unfamiliar smells- I don’t want to feel you here. I feel you around too much already. I don’t need objects releasing you into my new air. Keeping you locked up in my mind and my aching throbbing heart that is still pumping, somehow. Will you remember me? Will you remember the good times? I hope you do. But that is selfish. Because I know it hurts to think of them. These ar...

People always criticize others who post personal shit. But fuck it. I’m a bottle of wine deep and don’t care. Love is messy, and hard, and challenging, but it’s fucking awesome. You live and learn, you love and lose, even with all my painful messy breakups I’ve experienced, I still look back at every single one and can honestly say I loved to my FULLEST, I gave my ALL, and I loved like I’d never been hurt. So maybe things never seem to ‘work out’ for me, but I’m still me, and I’m still a happy fucking kid, because I have the best family in the fucking world, and the 3 men in my life that will TRULY and HONESTLY love me no matter what are my dad and my brothers, and my mom is the best girlfriend I could ever ask for. Love is awesome, no matter how shitty it can get. I’m thankful for every single person that has ever walked into my life, every single silly one.

Whenever I get sad I think about how I loved you. I loved you to the fullest degree. Then that just makes me more sad, Cause you never fully appreciated me. I get sad a lot these days. Thinking about what could have been. I know you’re mad at me for leaving. But you left far before then. 

Make hardest decision ever, but that is good for you. Hurt someone you care about deeply, unintentionally. Make 1 mistake along the way. Piss people off. Everyone is too pissed off to let you explain. Everyone you pissed off turns on you. Already sad, lonely, and upset. Lose the person you love, but you had to. Lose your friends, because you had to lose the person you love. Alone.

It’s almost like he died. I’m grieving, but I’m getting better every day, happier every day. I still have moments where it hits me, and I’m like “OMG” I moved to this city to be with him, I sacrificed so much to come here, I took a complete leap of faith and now I’m face down in the dirt, it’s embarrassing, and this is the first time I’ve been really alone in.. well, ever. I’ve never lived away from home, this far away from home, and been alone. Being single is definitely new to me, but I’m excited for this new adventure, learning to pour love into myself for once rather than giving and giving and giving and not giving to myself. It’s like when you’re on an air plane and they tell you to put on your air mask before helping anyone else, because if you don’t help yourself first, you can’t help anyone you want/need to. I’ve been trying to help, save, and love everyone without doing those things for myself, I am just so sad that I love so much, and always end up losing. I hate losing ...