Casile Naomi

This is how I feel. If I could go do a photo shoot and express myself perfectly with one simple shot right now. This would be the final product. I found this on flickr today. It made me cry like a baby. It's just deep and so simple all at the same time I feel closed in. In my safe hugging ball. Hiding from the world. My music is my company in this place. I'm drowning out the world. With what I want the world to be. I want to fall in love. Really fall.  What an amazing word. What a torturous word. What a craved word. What an beautiful evil word. Love.

This guy. What a guy. I think he might kind of some what hate me now. He's just, too awesome. This is a picture I took when we used to skype everyday. He knows me better then I know myself sometimes. I miss him. I pushed him away. I'm still pushing him away. I don't know why.

New years. Hm. I was trying to figure out what I'm expecting. Where I'm coming from. What I have learned. What I want to come of the New Year. Etc. Etc. I guess I'm expecting to be happy, with my friends. Whether I will be with my St.FX (Rothesay) friends or with my KV friends I'm not sure. I haven't seen any of mine and Tom's friends in awhile. Ps: I texted Tom and told him I can tell he isn't ready to be friends and that it's fine and I hope he has a good break. This was a few days ago and I haven't spoken to him since. I expect to be content. I expect to be drunk. I just want to be happy where ever I am and whoever I'm with. I don't want there to be drama between Tom and I. I don't want there to be any resentment. I just want to feel, at peace.  I realize that I can't make amends with Tom. I have tried, and he has not been willing to meet me half way on the issues. I tried to forget anything ever happened between us and just ac...

The air is hard I breathe you in You try to harm me Piercing at my lungs When I try to speak You have paralyzed me In this cold December You have made me lose my way What if I lost my direction Leaving the worst behind I remember all I did was try You kept pulling me through Everything that was unwanted You found me You reeled me in You chased me down You promised it would not be the same Now I'm in the coldest December The harshest thing I've ever felt Everything is freezing over No longer will I harden my heart I'm letting it begin to melt.

I wandered home With an unsure feeling in my chest I thought for sure When I got there There'd be nothing for me left I wandered around Wondering when I'd see your face Awkward encounters When I got there We talk, but it's all fake The snow is falling now Covering up everything I knew The green is now buried with my heart I think I still love you Through the white, they're seeping through And then I know I'm just putting on a show I'm no longer free Cause I still want you to love me Let's wander around together Speaking of things we both already know Pretend like the sadness in our voices doesn't show You didn't do it right Everyone says I'm too forgiving They don't know I had to forgive you In order to keep living But am I breathing Flakes come down and hit me now They blend in with the tears I sometimes catch myself speaking your name Voicing all my fears I wish you were here.

Link:  Bruce Cockburn- Isn't That What Friends Are For? Heavy northern autumn sky mist on forest dark spruce, bright maple and the great lake rolling forever to the narrow gray beach I look west along the red road of the frail sun to where it hovers between shelf of cloud and spiky trees, receding shore The world is full of seasons of anguish, of laughter and it comes to mind to write you this Nothing is sure nothing is pure and no matter who we think we are everyone gets his chance to be nothing Love's supposed to heal but it breaks my heart to feel the pain in your voice but you know it's all going somewhere and I would crush my heart and throw it in the street if I could pay for your choice Isn't that what friends are for? Isn't that what friends are for? We're the insect life of paradise crawl across leaf or among towering blades of grass glimpse only sometimes the amazing breadth of heaven You're as loved as you w...

where is my mind? Cause my whole life has been changed, and torn apart, and recklessly thrown back together and I had no control over any of it I feel like my life is just passing me by and I'm stuck here in the middle with all this fucking change happening around me like my heart still fucking hurts over some ass hole because he broke it to pieces I don't know how to move on I still replay everything in my mind trying to make it make sense and it doesnt ill never understand, ill never get a reason why he did it, why he stopped loving me, why he just up and left me all alone, ill never get closure maybe i need to accept i'll never get closure, i'll never get anything from him that he said he would give me. I got a broken heart. How am I supposed to accept defeat. Everyone says I'm not defeated. That I'm the bigger person, I came out the stronger person. And yet I feel completely trampled. How am I supposed to move on when I'm forced to come back to Ro...

This made me literally laugh my ass off. like, it fell off Big Mike: hey skype date tonight? Me: yeah sure, just baking and watching movies with my parents Big Mike: ur parents burn? Me: hahahahahahaha Big Mike: haha they rly do? and watch movies? Me: i'm baking, like, pastries, in the kitchen ahhaahah you dumb dumb oh my god haha Big Mike: ... im friggen retardded Me: hahaha

I don't even know what to say or where to begin. Being home is so hard.  I miss having connections with people. "try to think of the days as days TO yourself, not days BY yourself." good advice, once again. I miss tom and I miss my friends that I found through him. They are truly awesome people. Things have changed so so much. I'm trying to fight through it and I know that eventually I will find my niche and I will be OKAY. I am happy, I just need to take these waves as they come. I need to stop taking out all my bottled up anger out on the people who are actually here for me. My parents, Teener, my friends who are still here for me. I need to relax, I need to breathe. I need to embrace this change, because I can't fight it. Why am I trying to control something that is out of my control. I need to just, chill. Things have changed and yeah things suck but I need to stop dwelling that. I need to pick up and move on, or else life is going to pass me by and I...

me and you like to go through life thinking that we are on this planet with the rest of these people and that were the same as them. That we are happy, that our brains AREN'T racing 10000 miles a minute, don't make sense that we go from extreme to extreme as if were caught in some sort of bipolar depression and the truth is that I dont think we are like them. I think were different. I like to think im a happy go lucky cheery fellow or whatever but to be honest i think i am more of a peccisimist (sp?) then anything... that I see people faults, i see worst case scenerio, I see no light coming out of dark situations, i assume the worst of people, i can never trust them, the only world i ever seem to really care about is whats going on in my head and nobody else has any clue whats going on. I think your caught in this thing. I have no doubt for your strong feelings for Tom. But if you want my honest opinion, I think you have him built up to be your knight in shining armour that mak...

every thought that pops in to my head that can lead to some sort of understanding, raises another contradicting question

I'm home. I saw all my friends. Whom I have met through tom. I felt so awkward at first. Then I got drunk... Then david and I had an intense emotion talk. I don't exactly remember all that was said. it was very deep philosopical shit. I can't spell. Apologies. Casile, look at the sky. What do you see Clouds What do the clouds make you feel like. Lost, lonely, scared, sad. What do you wish you could see? Stars. Can you? No. How can you change that? I can't. EXACTLY. no one likes change, no one can control it. Embrace it, and just know there are stars to come. He kept saying I was blaming all this shit on myself. That I need to move on, and be myself. That I am one of the most unique and authentic people he has met in a long time. Don't sit down. Why? Sitting down is depressing. But it feels so good. Why is that? Cause Cause it's the familiar, that's why. Stand up, on your own two feet. You are independent. I said I don't even feel m...

i think i've turned into one of those girls i hate i only feel myself 1% of the time i think kd is over-rated kitchens are over-rated i miss tom i just sat outside having a smoke wondering who could i call right now and have a legit conversation with, no one came to mind. no one that would answer my call i think i come across as extremely full of myself why am i like this i can't think of any one person that really KNOWS me other than my family, and maybe some friends. but not really i think i depend on people too much why does shit always get fucked up? why am i trying to figure something out that makes no sense. what am i here for music is weird. i love it there are bands/artists i haven't been able to listen to since tom and i broke up, they were all my favorites joel plaskett alexi murdoch the perishers florence and the machine mgmt memories suck memories are awesome my mind is messed up i feel like i am hurting people i don't want to lose wh...

After I wrote that post yesterday, of course, a little radar in Tom's head went off and told him "Oh, Casile's happy, gotta fuck it up." So he texted me. Of all days, the one day I was having a great day, he texted me. It was rather amusing to me. I sunk into a low after I agreed to skype with him. I went to Big Mike's room (one of my best guy friends at MTA) and started crying, I was listening to Mumford and Sons, and then I went for a long walk and talk with a guy I met this weekend. It was innocent, but it was really nice to be in the company of a good guy. I'm laying in my room on my bed listening to Autumn by Zoe Fitch. I'm finally done my Sociology paper and am relaxing with my roomie. Life is still good. Up's and Down's will always come, but I can always get back to the Up's <3.

Sitting in my room. The sun is shining in my window and causing a glare on my computer screen but I don't care. Today is a good day. I'm not sure what has happened but I'm feeling shift in my soul. As corny as it sounds I feel change in the air. The wind is cold today but the air is fresh. I sat outside with Liz and had a cigarette and we were just talking. I'm so thankful to have her. I'm not sure if she feels the same but she is my sturdy ground here. I'm thankful for my friends and family and as much as it hurt to go through all the shit I went through last year and this year, I'm glad I experienced everything I did. I was walking back to my  residence alone and the scenery here is just breath taking. I'm taking deep breathes and evaluating my life. When it all comes down to it I KNOW I'll be okay. I'm happy today. I'm truly happy. I'm letting go piece by piece. I haven't spoken to Tom in over a week. I still think about him but I ...

I like this a lot. It reminds me of being home. It reminds me of my Mom. It reminds me of Alabama for some reason. It reminds me of good old happy times. Strange, the little things that can bring back such huge ass memories eh.  That's all for now.

Listening to Walk On by the Weepies. Think how I'm actually alone now. I have my family. I have my friends. But I am no longer Dependant on anyone else.. the lyrics to the song are exactly how I feel right now. If I were to sit down and right some lyrics to some guitar, these would be them. Tom left me, he left me alone and he just ran away. After years of being the hugest part of my life, he just peeled. And now I'm left with this big ol' world and I'm facing it on my own. No guy protecting me at parties, no one to call when I'm sad and lonely and want to hear them say I Love You, like they feel like you're the one they're going to be with for the rest of their lives. No more cuddling and watching a movie when you just don't feel like going to the party. No more inside jokes. No more any of it. I'm me. Now It's just me, and I am finding it hard to focus on myself. When I was with tom he was my main focus, if he was sick, I would take care of him...

I’m sitting at my desk in residence, the floor is quiet right now, everyone is sleeping or at classes. I’m listening to the girl by city & color. I’m looking out my window. It’s snowing. I’m thinking about how much my life has changed in the past months. The ending of a lot of things, and the beginning of a lot of new ones. I’m thinking about Tom, and how I hope he is extremely happy with Jen. I’m thinking that if he had come to Mount A nothing would have changed. And we needed change, desperately needed it. We tried to enforce change on our own but we were never able to make it happen, so, I guess being two and a half hours apart and leading completely different lives is the switch. I miss him sometimes. It’s strange. I could have never imagined my life without him, I couldn’t stand thinking about going to different universities and losing him, my best friend, and my lover. And now that I’m in the midst of it, I can’t stand to think about what it was like when we were together, it...

Sometimes you just need to let the old stuff out. So fuck. This is just word vomit. And it makes me feel the weakest I've ever felt. But I don't care.  Dear tom, I see it all now that you’re gone You’re done I gave you all that I had I breathed life into you  Now lay me down to rest I’ve got nothing left When you pulled away from me Then pulled out of my drive way I crumbled to the pavement I kicked up the rocks That you stood on You kissed me on the forehead Said that I’d be better off on my own And yet I still feel lost, with no direction home You were all I’d ever known I felt so abandoned waiting for you to come back But you never once turned around, for one last look At what you were leaving behind I tried and cried and I wept I thought you would want this love  To be kept But you’re gone And you said that you’re never coming home To me So I’ll sing I’ll play my guitar and I’ll write Cause I’m way too tired and weak To fight For someth...

She sits next to still waters Adding to it as she cries Causing ripples in the ever changing currents Empting pain, with her eyes She has never felt this still before Since you up and walked away Now she’s brought back to her roots That ground her, don’t let me sway. I’ve fallen down on my knees And begged for your protection Where were you when he broke my heart And denied my affection? I’ve cried until I feel no more I’ve listened until I hear no more Either you remain silent, Or your words escape my ears All I feel is fear. Are you here? I don’t cry anymore But my heart throbs at the thought Am I just a disturbing, distant memory? Does he even think of me Remember how hard I fought? I lied next to you And gave up my heart I cried next to you And confessed my love Then push came to shove You no longer held me above the rest He sits next to rapid waters Adding to it as he screams Asking, how could I have forgotten How much I meant. How muc...