there we go

do you ever feel like no one even knows you? like, everyone has this idea of you, and if you could see yourself through their eyes you would be looking at a total stranger? does anyone even know you, like, know know you… i feel like no one knows me. and i don’t mean that in a ‘bitchhhh y’all don’t know me way’, i mean it in a sad, failing myself and everyone around me kind of way. i feel like i got fucked up somewhere along the way and don’t know how to make it all okay again. like i’ve just been doggy paddling for fucking ever trying to keep my head above the water and i’m getting fucking exhausted. i can’t remember the last time i was 100% truly and genuinely happy. or the last time i hung out with someone and felt 100% myself, open, vulnerable and just, free. does that make any sense? i feel like i’ve become broke, and un-loveable. not that i think i’m a piece of shit or anything, but just that i feel so lost and without direction or aim that no one will ever find me, because i can’t even find myself. nothing feels authentic anymore, ya know? everything feels like it’s just skimming the surface, begging and pleading to go deeper but never does. i a few months i’m going to be on my own with no fucking plans, no one that is really and truly going to miss me, and i’m going to be left missing all of them. i’m tired of missing people. i feel like i come in and out of peoples lives and it’s easy for them, because it’s great for awhile and then they leave or i leave and they move on and forget very easily, but when people leave, or when i leave people it’s fucking devastating for me. i fucking root deep. i mean, i care a fucking lot and i’m sick of it. i’m tired. i’m tired of trying to act ok. i’m tired of being sad. i’m tired of being angry and i’m tired of not understanding why shitty things keep happening to me. this is sounding like a lot of just feeling sorry for myself and that bugs me. 

i just, want something REAL. for once. i want someone to see me and just be like, yeah… it’s you. and to let me love them and know that they deserve it and deserve to be happy. because honestly, people keeping saying i don’t need a guy to make me happy, and yeah they’re right, i don’t. but it is in my nature to love the SHIT out of someone, and i’m not really fully complete until that’s accomplished. kinda sad i guess. whatever.