bs?

Sitting in this new kind of silence.

The air throbbing around me.

I was addicted to the tension, to the familiar absence of you-

your resentment and your hurt. You were a room away- a wall away, then

again you always were.

This silence doesn’t know me. Not like that one.

My breath feels like it has no home. I forget how to breathe at times.

So much more space to move, but still paralyzed.

I exist outside of you? How am I ok. Am I ok?

Are you ok? I realize I’ll never know, I never knew before.

Scared of my own emotion. Filling the day with unfamiliar music, unfamiliar

routines, unfamiliar smells- I don’t want to feel you here. I feel you

around too much already. I don’t need objects releasing you into my

new air.

Keeping you locked up in my mind and my aching throbbing heart that

is

still pumping, somehow.

Will you remember me? Will you remember the good times? I hope you

do.

But that is selfish. Because I know it hurts to think of them.

These are the first tears I’ve let out to play today. I buried them,

because

I’m scared now they won’t stop.

Make it stop.

I have to let go. I don’t know how.

I said goodbye. I walked away. I took my things. I left.

But it feels like you still have all my pieces.

I wanted to make you whole. I wanted to save you from your dark abyss

you retreat into. I couldn’t pry you out. I couldn’t love you out. I couldn’t

do it alone.

You built me up, you painted me, you had me in a case.

I wanted to save you. But you had me trapped. You locked me in and

then screamed for help. I died trying to get to you. You held the key in

your stupid hand the whole time, while I starred at it and punched the

glass, trying to get to you.

I can’t throw any more punches.

You lost, by winning.

I’m lost when I win by losing. I will always love you. But I had to drag myself away.