Blarg.

I’m sitting at my desk in residence, the floor is quiet right now, everyone is sleeping or at classes. I’m listening to the girl by city & color. I’m looking out my window. It’s snowing. I’m thinking about how much my life has changed in the past months. The ending of a lot of things, and the beginning of a lot of new ones. I’m thinking about Tom, and how I hope he is extremely happy with Jen. I’m thinking that if he had come to Mount A nothing would have changed. And we needed change, desperately needed it. We tried to enforce change on our own but we were never able to make it happen, so, I guess being two and a half hours apart and leading completely different lives is the switch. I miss him sometimes. It’s strange. I could have never imagined my life without him, I couldn’t stand thinking about going to different universities and losing him, my best friend, and my lover. And now that I’m in the midst of it, I can’t stand to think about what it was like when we were together, it hurts too much to go there. He is an amazing person. I pray for him every night, if you can call it praying. I try at least. I imagine him living his new life, though it may be without me, with his huge smile on his face and his unforgettable laugh. I know he will change so many peoples lives at StFX just by being in their lives. I hope those people realize they are lucky. A lot of people think I should hate him for what he did and how he did it, a lot of people don’t understand how I am still so civil and kind to him, and I don’t know how to explain it. Tom and I, in my mind, will always have this deep understanding of each other. It’s hard to believe it’s been 4 months since we’ve been together. It’s hard to believe this situation is even the present moment, It’s hard to even write about. I think part of me does blame myself. I know it wasn’t all my fault, but I had flaws, big ones. I didn’t let him breathe, I smothered him for months approaching University. And when he needed to come up for breath, he had to do it without me. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me, why I always get left, why I always get hurt and always end up alone with broken promises. I didn’t want to lose Tom, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t realize that the relationship was falling apart at the seams. We loved each other too much to let go,  I think that is why it hit so hard when he finally decided to. It was rash, it was unexpected, but it was real. He was saying goodbye. He did it so coldly. He did it so easily it seemed. He wasn’t changing his mind, he wasn’t explaining, and he wasn’t weakening in his decision. Now we’re both living new, different, separate lives, and yet I still feel connected to him. I sometimes feel like I need to cut that connection because it hurts to bad sometimes. I don’t know if I have hope of us being together again, ever. I don’t know if I even want to think of the possibility. I don’t know if I want to think about this anymore. I'm not giving up on love though. I'm not going to put my life on hold. I'm going to find someone. Someday. I hope.

So fuck it right?
I love the loser. Always will. And I don’t feel weak for admitting that. At least I’m not lying to myself.