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Confession: I like to solve other people’s problems because they seem easier than my own. Is this bad? If so? Help? How do I do other things? I am terrible at being selfish and I like that and it fucks me.

Can you be selfless and take care of yourself at the same time? This is the paradox in which I live. I just want to be perfect is all.

But really, totally a daily question for me. “What does selflessness require and will pride in this dishonour my soul?” is like, my waking thought. Every day.

Well, in my situation I realized that it’s pretty depressing that I’m willing to sacrifice my own happiness just to make other people happy, I used to think that was an honourable thing, that I was so selfless, but when I realized that I’d been doing it for 8 years of my life, I realized that it was cowardly. Consciously choosing to not be happy, just to save myself the guilt of hurting someone else. I think in small doses it’s respectable, but in the larger scale of things, selfishness is necessary, maybe selfishness isn’t the word for it though, more likely ‘self love’ or ‘self respect’.

I stayed in relationships (including friendships) for so long, simply because I am so compassionate that the pain of staying that hurt me, was easier than having to feel the pain I would cause someone else by leaving. I’m still in the process of my most recent ended relationship, the first one I have walked away from willingly, and it’s so hard, but so important and so necessary. Loving yourself is so hard, but so good.