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                                                       play this while reading, i did while writing.

alright. so i'm kinda feeling weird. i don't think it's a weird weird, like a worrisome weird, just "weird".
my heart feels strange. not hurting or anything, just strange. it's like it's in transition or something. it's hard to explain. i'm wondering what i should be doing, and if what i'm doing is what i'm meant to be doing or if it's what is truly best for me.

       it's hard to know sometimes

it's like my thoughts are all over the place.

and i'm not really sure what to do about it.

my feelings are all over the place too, i'm basically a train wreck, but a composed one.

the water is still on the surface, but underneath there's waves and turmoil and currents that keep changing and i'm trying to figure out which one to follow.

i feel more independent in this stage of my life then i ever have before.

i NEED time to myself. i used to be terrified of being alone and now i'm terrified of finding someone and slipping back into the way i was with tom when i depended on him so much.

i like being with just me right now. 

i'm not saying i don't want a relationship.

maybe that is what i'm saying? i don't know what to do right now. i'm not sure really what's going on. 

i feel... cluttered and smothered. 

haven't spoken to tom since the break, and we didn't even see each other. we just msged randomly. it's so effin weird. like it's beyond explanation. we were so in love one day and then it was over the next. there was no proccessing allowed, no preparation, it was just BAM done. like he died or something. it's so weirddddddddddd ah. it's like we just got cut off from each other so quickly. i mean i know he did it an all, and i'm honestly healing and dealing with it fine, getting over it etc. but, 

i am always going to wonder why 

and i guess i'm just trying to come to terms with that part of it. it's like, we were best friends and lovers, and now we're strangers, and he is unable to go anywhere with me. he can't even have a conversation with me in person. and i just don't get it and that is what is making me sad, or confused or whatever.

i remember the day it happened. it was the last and final time we broke up. teener and i went to meenans cove beach and put down a blanket on the grass and read streams in the desert. i was just balling, 

the tears wouldn't stop

i was just praying, desperately, and begging for an answer. that was all i could remember praying, i was just begging for an answer or anything at all. i just needed something. and then, out of nowhere, tom texted me and said i'm sorry casile, i love you, but i just can't do this anymore. i'm done. my crying stopped. i know this sounds fake or made up, but this is actually what happened. i was crushed, my heart hurt like it's never hurt before, and i just stopped asking tom questions.

 i wanted to know why, or what happened over night cause we were fine the day before. i wanted to know what  i had done wrong, or why i wasn't good enough. but 

i just stopped asking, cause he had no answers. 

he didn't want to see me before i left for school. i left in a week. i begged and begged. he went on a camping trip with the boys and i just laid in my parents room, in there bed, and watched tv shows to keep my mind off things. i couldn't go in my room, everything in there was us. was him. was what we shared. it felt wrong to be in there. i remember one night i actually slept on the couch cause i didn't want to be in my room without him.

he finally agreed to come see me. i left the next day. and after the years we spend together i needed a goodbye. we sat on my beach and had a smoke. i made myself not cry. i didn't cry then. then we went back up to my house where i was still packing things up, had another smoke. and then, he needed to leave. i remember the feeling in my chest. remembering it now is making me cry. it hurt so much. i longed for him, i longed for his love, as corny as it sounds. i felt abandoned. 

like we had promised each other something more then this the moment we said "i love you"

he left me. he kissed me on the forehead, and told me to be happy. i cried so much. his car backed out of the driveway and i crumbled to the pavement. 

his car hasn't pulled up my driveway since