My Cage

i feel like everything i just said went completely unexplained and it made me feel very shallow.
i'm sitting on my couch, it's 12 noon, it's 20 degrees outside and the water is fairly calm. the trees are super green and i can hear the birds. i'm listening to the not yet released bon iver album. im sitting on my couch feeling a pressure in my chest that is trying to tell me something. i've felt it before. i wish i remembered what it means. i feel like it's a time for change. 

i know that sounds corny. but do you ever feel like there's something out there calling your name, begging you to pay it attention, screaming that this is what you're meant to do? because that is how i feel right now. i'm stuck in little rothesay/quispamsis, a town that has moved on without me. i got lost in the background, and skidded to the side lines in the rubble. if it weren't for mom and dad, josh jesse and teener, then i would have no reason to be here. and i love them. i do. 

but what am i supposed to do. i feel like staying here is like putting myself in a cage, locking the door and begging to get out, when i'm the only one with the key. i know i sound melodramatic but honestly. i know there is something out there that is bigger and better then what i'm doing here. i can feel it in the air. sometimes i just feel like running, and never looking back. it`s like i'm burying a scream, suppressing something that just needs to be let out. i don't know how to explain this or what to do with it. i haven't prayed in a long time. maybe i will. i don't know what to do here. i feel lost and confused, like i'm not at a fork in a road but i'm approaching one.  

i just wish i knew what i was supposed to do. you know? like, what am i supposed to do, really. just stay here and suck it up, or go out there and find what it is i'm supposed to be doing? am i just being dramatic and really everything is fine, or am i right about this?  

help.

(even though i know no one has the answer)