herro. holy it's been awhile since i've written. i'm in london, ontario with aidan and anne marie, i leave this sunday. it's been absolutely amazing. i love it here. i'm somewhat dreading going home, don't get me wrong i am so excited to see my family and my room and the river etc. it's just, none of my friends from home have even contacted me, or replied to me, and we haven't spoken in months... so it kinda feels like i have no friends to go home to. we'll see though.
spending time with aidan and anne has been amazing. we went camping to the bruce peninsula, it was unreal. beautiful. sam came with us, it was the best camping trip ever. went to toronto too, with aidans dad and brother. his family is awesome, so is anne maries. they're just welcoming and nice, unlike some other peoples families i've had to deal with in the past. i enjoy families that remind me of my family; welcoming and loving.
so, i've been having anxiety again. i haven't had it really since papa died, in grade 5, when we moved from quispam to new hampshire and back etc. it was more like separation anxiety back then though. lately it is panic disorder. i know people go on google and look up symptoms and automatically think they have them, but i have all the symptoms of it. it's strange.
i thought i was just getting car sick, but it was a really weird feeling. like my heart starts racing, palpitating, i get hot but i start to shiver, my whole body feels tingly, i feel nauseous, i feel terrified, and everytime so far i have vomited. the first one happened on the way to toronto with aidans dad and brother and anne, the sickness lasted all day. i felt better after i got out of the car anxiety wise, but was puking all day. then the second one happened on the way back from camping, aidan had to pull over and i had to puke, and now i've been putting them off for hours a day it seems, i feel my heart start racing and short of breath and i just do everything i can to prevent the tingling and puking.
it sucks because it's gotten to the point where i'm even scared to get in the car for long drives, even from anne maries to aidans is a 45 minute drive and im terrified im going to have on on the way. i know it's all in my head, that's what anxiety is, it's not a chemical imbalance, or anything like that, its just your brain freaking out and leading from thought to thought which then leads to an attack. i've googled how to overcome them without meds, but it's hard to get control of them once it already starts happening.
i don't want this to last, because anxiety can take control of your life and make it so you can't even go out in public, go to concerts, or travel, because you're so terrified of another attack happening. im trying really hard to overcome it, so hopefully my efforts aren't useless.
i've found that breathing exercises and listening to my ipod helps. i basically just have to say fuck it, this is all in your head and you're bigger then this but its hard sometimes. i'm workin on it. i haven't figured out what triggers them yet which is a challenge. I CAN DO THIS THOUGH.
i leave this sunday, so strange.
so last night aidan, anne marie, petey and charlie (aidans brothers) were sitting around the table and aidans ex walks in the door. she wasn't supposed to be home this summer but decided last minute she would. aidan she her hadn't seen eachother since the break up, she kind of did the same thing to him that tom did to me, t'was very awkward. she didn't know about aidan and i but even still, it was weird. i was already having anxiety issues and then that kinda made me feel ambushed haha. i don't know how to explain.
i know where aidan is coming from and i can relate, but at the same time i feel like he still has a whole lot to process and think about, we're kinda going through some issues about the whole ordeal. i'm just not one to share someones heart with another person i told him, and that i understand it's hard to see your first love again because they always stay significant, but that i need to know he has no feelings for her and that i have nothing to worry about. he seems kinda sketchy about it, and i get it, i do, but it's just unsettling type thing i guess.
i do however worry way tooooo much. i always have. i over analyze and over think things like it's my job, which is bad, but after tom i just know what it feels like to be hurt like you never thought was possible and i really want to avoid having to go through that again. i don't think that's wrong. i know the saying "love like you've never been hurt before" but i personally think that is bull shit. getting hurt and going through heart break is a huge part of who you are, you can't just pretend it hasn't happened, obviously it causes issues, but i'm glad aidan and i can at least talk about it since we've been through very similiar things.
he makes me very happy. and i like him very much. i feel safe, and protected... and cared for. he is so gentle and kind and just, i dunno, he's amazing. it's also hard to explain. i'm happy though, very happy.
that's all for now! sorry that was somewhat of a rant. and if anyone has any panic attack advice PLEASE comment. thank ya!
spending time with aidan and anne has been amazing. we went camping to the bruce peninsula, it was unreal. beautiful. sam came with us, it was the best camping trip ever. went to toronto too, with aidans dad and brother. his family is awesome, so is anne maries. they're just welcoming and nice, unlike some other peoples families i've had to deal with in the past. i enjoy families that remind me of my family; welcoming and loving.
so, i've been having anxiety again. i haven't had it really since papa died, in grade 5, when we moved from quispam to new hampshire and back etc. it was more like separation anxiety back then though. lately it is panic disorder. i know people go on google and look up symptoms and automatically think they have them, but i have all the symptoms of it. it's strange.
i thought i was just getting car sick, but it was a really weird feeling. like my heart starts racing, palpitating, i get hot but i start to shiver, my whole body feels tingly, i feel nauseous, i feel terrified, and everytime so far i have vomited. the first one happened on the way to toronto with aidans dad and brother and anne, the sickness lasted all day. i felt better after i got out of the car anxiety wise, but was puking all day. then the second one happened on the way back from camping, aidan had to pull over and i had to puke, and now i've been putting them off for hours a day it seems, i feel my heart start racing and short of breath and i just do everything i can to prevent the tingling and puking.
it sucks because it's gotten to the point where i'm even scared to get in the car for long drives, even from anne maries to aidans is a 45 minute drive and im terrified im going to have on on the way. i know it's all in my head, that's what anxiety is, it's not a chemical imbalance, or anything like that, its just your brain freaking out and leading from thought to thought which then leads to an attack. i've googled how to overcome them without meds, but it's hard to get control of them once it already starts happening.
i don't want this to last, because anxiety can take control of your life and make it so you can't even go out in public, go to concerts, or travel, because you're so terrified of another attack happening. im trying really hard to overcome it, so hopefully my efforts aren't useless.
i've found that breathing exercises and listening to my ipod helps. i basically just have to say fuck it, this is all in your head and you're bigger then this but its hard sometimes. i'm workin on it. i haven't figured out what triggers them yet which is a challenge. I CAN DO THIS THOUGH.
i leave this sunday, so strange.
so last night aidan, anne marie, petey and charlie (aidans brothers) were sitting around the table and aidans ex walks in the door. she wasn't supposed to be home this summer but decided last minute she would. aidan she her hadn't seen eachother since the break up, she kind of did the same thing to him that tom did to me, t'was very awkward. she didn't know about aidan and i but even still, it was weird. i was already having anxiety issues and then that kinda made me feel ambushed haha. i don't know how to explain.
i know where aidan is coming from and i can relate, but at the same time i feel like he still has a whole lot to process and think about, we're kinda going through some issues about the whole ordeal. i'm just not one to share someones heart with another person i told him, and that i understand it's hard to see your first love again because they always stay significant, but that i need to know he has no feelings for her and that i have nothing to worry about. he seems kinda sketchy about it, and i get it, i do, but it's just unsettling type thing i guess.
i do however worry way tooooo much. i always have. i over analyze and over think things like it's my job, which is bad, but after tom i just know what it feels like to be hurt like you never thought was possible and i really want to avoid having to go through that again. i don't think that's wrong. i know the saying "love like you've never been hurt before" but i personally think that is bull shit. getting hurt and going through heart break is a huge part of who you are, you can't just pretend it hasn't happened, obviously it causes issues, but i'm glad aidan and i can at least talk about it since we've been through very similiar things.
he makes me very happy. and i like him very much. i feel safe, and protected... and cared for. he is so gentle and kind and just, i dunno, he's amazing. it's also hard to explain. i'm happy though, very happy.
that's all for now! sorry that was somewhat of a rant. and if anyone has any panic attack advice PLEASE comment. thank ya!
When I had panic attacks breathing exercises used to help - just focusing on breathing deeply. My coaches had me imagine it different colours on the way in and out too. Weird, but it worked. Just don't pick a bright colour for the inhale.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing that helps in the long term is yoga. Another weird, I know, but it helps your mind to focus and basically clear itself, so when an attack starts you can revert to that mind space.
Hope this helps :)