New years. Hm. I was trying to figure out what I'm expecting. Where I'm coming from. What I have learned. What I want to come of the New Year. Etc. Etc. I guess I'm expecting to be happy, with my friends. Whether I will be with my St.FX (Rothesay) friends or with my KV friends I'm not sure. I haven't seen any of mine and Tom's friends in awhile.
Ps: I texted Tom and told him I can tell he isn't ready to be friends and that it's fine and I hope he has a good break. This was a few days ago and I haven't spoken to him since. I expect to be content. I expect to be drunk. I just want to be happy where ever I am and whoever I'm with. I don't want there to be drama between Tom and I. I don't want there to be any resentment. I just want to feel, at peace.
I realize that I can't make amends with Tom. I have tried, and he has not been willing to meet me half way on the issues. I tried to forget anything ever happened between us and just act like normal friends, it was fake, but it was something. He wasn't good at that. I tried addressing our issues and getting closure so that we could get it behind us, leave it in the past, come to terms with each other's decisions and try to understand each other. Well, he wasn't good at that either. I've tried. I can say I've tried. Now it's time for me to stop trying.
Insanity is when you keep doing the same thing over and over and over again and expect a different result. I was insane to think that things with Tom could be fixed I suppose. I insanely tried to fix things, and I insanely failed at fixing them. It is not my responsibility or my fault that things are the way they are. Wow. I don't think I've been able to say that and mean it. Ever. I feel good. I feel sad. I feel mad. I feel confused. I literally feel every emotion that comes to mind when thinking about Tom and I's situation. But that's okay. Because I'm slowly healing.
I'm so happy to be at MTA. I have never had friends as close as I do there. I was very very close with certain people throughout High School and especially with the friends I met through Tom. But Liz, and Big Mike, and Little Tom and just all the awesome people I have met at Mta, on my floor, on south side, just, where ever, are seriously huge blessings. I've never felt so fortunate in my life. I realize I complain a lot and find myself feeling sorry for myself a lot because of the shitty situation I am put in due to Tom and the breakup and the way he did things and how I will never get closure. When really, I neglect the fact that through this pain, and through this "ending" I have re-begun an amazing adventure, a new chapter in my life. And it's so exciting.
This year I've learned that it's okay to feel lost and alone, and it's okay to be upset, and that there are going to be times you are exhausted, and tired, and you may feel defeated. But NEVER am I defeated. I learned to get back up, and fight back. And that even though life SUCKS shit sometimes, that everything WILL eventually be okay. Eventually.
I realize that I don't need a guy to depend on to be happy. Though it is so tempting to just rush back into a relationship, and how easy it would be just get a new boyfriend and be all lovely dovey. That I am independent. I am happy without a guy to lean on. I don't need to constantly surround myself with attention from men to make me feel complete.
I have learned that people can always fail you. That even the best of people and the most reliable and honest of human beings are capable of harming and hurting you. I realize that Tom didn't WANT to break my heart, but he just wasn't content on a personal level anymore, and there was nothing I could do to change that because he never gave me the chance.
I realize that I wasn't even content near the end of Tom and I's relationship. He wasn't what I needed at the time. We were both drifting apart and it was bound to break us eventually. I am allowed to be mad at him for what he did.
I've learned that it is okay to trust people and let people in. Even though it is a huge challenge for me because of my history with "friends" and boyfriends. I realize that in order to be happy and content I need to be able to allow people to see me for who I am. I realize now that I can't blame other people and block other people out because I've been hurt. I realize now that if I keep hiding and running away, that life is going to pass me by.
I'm going to make it. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be better than okay.
When people get hurt. Their bodies go into protection mode. Some people chose to allow their wounds to heal. They allow the scab to form. Some people decide they don't want a scab. So they keep picking at it. Re-wounding themselves. Re-opening the cut and causing themselves to feel more pain. Yes, if we allow the scab to heal. It will eventually come off on it's own. Some wounds may leave a scar. Constantly there to remind us of the pain we went through, the pain we made ourselves overcome. Yet, if you never allow yourself enough time, never restrain yourself from the temptation to pick at the wound, then it will never heal.
Ps: I texted Tom and told him I can tell he isn't ready to be friends and that it's fine and I hope he has a good break. This was a few days ago and I haven't spoken to him since. I expect to be content. I expect to be drunk. I just want to be happy where ever I am and whoever I'm with. I don't want there to be drama between Tom and I. I don't want there to be any resentment. I just want to feel, at peace.
I realize that I can't make amends with Tom. I have tried, and he has not been willing to meet me half way on the issues. I tried to forget anything ever happened between us and just act like normal friends, it was fake, but it was something. He wasn't good at that. I tried addressing our issues and getting closure so that we could get it behind us, leave it in the past, come to terms with each other's decisions and try to understand each other. Well, he wasn't good at that either. I've tried. I can say I've tried. Now it's time for me to stop trying.
Insanity is when you keep doing the same thing over and over and over again and expect a different result. I was insane to think that things with Tom could be fixed I suppose. I insanely tried to fix things, and I insanely failed at fixing them. It is not my responsibility or my fault that things are the way they are. Wow. I don't think I've been able to say that and mean it. Ever. I feel good. I feel sad. I feel mad. I feel confused. I literally feel every emotion that comes to mind when thinking about Tom and I's situation. But that's okay. Because I'm slowly healing.
I'm so happy to be at MTA. I have never had friends as close as I do there. I was very very close with certain people throughout High School and especially with the friends I met through Tom. But Liz, and Big Mike, and Little Tom and just all the awesome people I have met at Mta, on my floor, on south side, just, where ever, are seriously huge blessings. I've never felt so fortunate in my life. I realize I complain a lot and find myself feeling sorry for myself a lot because of the shitty situation I am put in due to Tom and the breakup and the way he did things and how I will never get closure. When really, I neglect the fact that through this pain, and through this "ending" I have re-begun an amazing adventure, a new chapter in my life. And it's so exciting.
This year I've learned that it's okay to feel lost and alone, and it's okay to be upset, and that there are going to be times you are exhausted, and tired, and you may feel defeated. But NEVER am I defeated. I learned to get back up, and fight back. And that even though life SUCKS shit sometimes, that everything WILL eventually be okay. Eventually.
I realize that I don't need a guy to depend on to be happy. Though it is so tempting to just rush back into a relationship, and how easy it would be just get a new boyfriend and be all lovely dovey. That I am independent. I am happy without a guy to lean on. I don't need to constantly surround myself with attention from men to make me feel complete.
I have learned that people can always fail you. That even the best of people and the most reliable and honest of human beings are capable of harming and hurting you. I realize that Tom didn't WANT to break my heart, but he just wasn't content on a personal level anymore, and there was nothing I could do to change that because he never gave me the chance.
I realize that I wasn't even content near the end of Tom and I's relationship. He wasn't what I needed at the time. We were both drifting apart and it was bound to break us eventually. I am allowed to be mad at him for what he did.
I've learned that it is okay to trust people and let people in. Even though it is a huge challenge for me because of my history with "friends" and boyfriends. I realize that in order to be happy and content I need to be able to allow people to see me for who I am. I realize now that I can't blame other people and block other people out because I've been hurt. I realize now that if I keep hiding and running away, that life is going to pass me by.
I'm going to make it. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be better than okay.
When people get hurt. Their bodies go into protection mode. Some people chose to allow their wounds to heal. They allow the scab to form. Some people decide they don't want a scab. So they keep picking at it. Re-wounding themselves. Re-opening the cut and causing themselves to feel more pain. Yes, if we allow the scab to heal. It will eventually come off on it's own. Some wounds may leave a scar. Constantly there to remind us of the pain we went through, the pain we made ourselves overcome. Yet, if you never allow yourself enough time, never restrain yourself from the temptation to pick at the wound, then it will never heal.
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