Lingering

(A drawing by my father)

I, for some reason

Feel the need to apologize

For wanting an apology

Though my heart still hurts

At the thought of you

I know I’m making it

I wonder sometimes

What if things were different

What if you came running back

What if 

I could forgive you

But you haven’t asked

It was love we had

Before this strange 

In between

Now I’ve said my 100th goodbye

Still wishing you’d not let me

I’m hovering

In the unknown

I’ve been scraping little pieces

Of the residue you left

It’s hard to put words

To this feeling

It’s a deep pressure

It’s a watering behind my eyes

It’s all the questions

The who’s, the how’s, the why’s.

I feel as though you belong 

In my life

One way or another

I don’t understand why

It’s all or nothing

I can’t speak

There’s no understanding 

This.

What we’ve become.

What came un-done.

I’ll always be asking

Why

Goodbye’s.

I could go on forever

But I don’t want to linger here

I’ve shut down.

I don’t let them in.

I don’t remember how to re-begin.

I feel as though, I let you win.